Getting over him

This Is Why It’s Harder To Get Over An Almost Than An Ex


Break-ups are never easy for either of the people involved. Ending things with someone you deeply care about is one of the most painful things there is.

Your heart shatters into a million pieces, and there is nothing you could do about it.

But what about breaking up with someone you were never in a relationship with in the first place?

What about cutting ties with a man who was never your official boyfriend and about finally accepting that this almost isn’t leading you anywhere?

How many times have you heard that you can’t lose someone you never had?

sad woman thinking about

That you don’t have the right to suffer for someone who was never yours and that you can’t cry over a relationship which was never real?

Well, I call it bullshit. The truth is that a heartbreak is a heartbreak.

It doesn’t matter if it was caused by someone you called your boyfriend or by someone whose presence in your life never had a label.

Even so, sometimes it is even harder to get over an almost ex than a real ex. I should know because this is exactly what I’ve been through.

When you end things with your almost ex, it never happens because you’ve gotten tired of him or because the butterflies in your stomach are gone.

sad woman sitting on the window

It doesn’t happen because your relationship has gotten into a rut or because you feel like you’ve had enough of being committed to the other person.

You see, when you are crying over your almost, you don’t only suffer because you miss them.

You don’t only lament over all the things you guys have been through together and over all the memories you had which will never happen again.

When you are trying to get over someone you could have never truly called yours, you are also getting over all the things that might have happened between the two of you but didn’t and over all the potential you guys could’ve had as a couple.

sad young woman looking away

Over all the should haves: over all the places you didn’t visit, over all the anniversaries you’ll never celebrate, over all the memories you didn’t have the chance to create together, over all the missed opportunities, and over everything you guys didn’t become.

You are also getting over the fact that you’ll never know how it would be to hold this man’s hand in public, how it would be to be his plus one and how it would feel to really be a part of his life.

You are crying over the closure you’ll never get, over all the explanations you are still waiting for, and over all the questions that were left unanswered.

When you are trying to move on from your almost ex, you are trying to love yourself again at the same time.

young woman starring at one point

You are trying to chase away all the thoughts of you not being meant to be loved, the questions about why you were never enough for him to love you for real, and all the self-doubts and insecurities this relationship brought you.

You are crying over the fact that you guys failed before even trying and because you’ll never know if your relationship might have succeeded if you were just brave enough to give it a shot.

Over the fact that you’ll never find out if a relationship with this man would have made you happy.

So, please don’t ever beat yourself up for suffering over a man whom you never dated.

sad woman holding pillow

Don’t feel like a fool for lamenting the relationship that never existed because the truth is that it was more than real for you.

Remember that you don’t owe any explanation to anyone besides yourself.

You don’t have to look for justification for the fact that you need this long to get over a man who wasn’t your boyfriend nor should you beat yourself up for all the emotions you are feeling.

The truth is that you are entitled to suffer as much as the next girl.

You have the right to do things at their own pace and to take as much as time you need to heal.


Category: Getting over him

Roberta Carroll

My approach is eclectic and holistic with a focus on mindfulness. I have received certifications in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Cognitive Processing Therapy (trauma), among others. I spent over 10 years at the Veteran’s Administration in Louisville, KY, working as a psychotherapist with veterans of all ages and genders on a wide variety of issues. Prior to that my focus was on young adults and their families and older adults dealing with loss. Individuals have met with me for help to address depression and anxiety, grief, trauma and relational issues as well as work-related/everyday stressors. The therapeutic process provides a safe place for the client, in collaboration with their therapist, to process distress, discover areas of “stuckness” and move forward into a life of increased meaning and joy. Accepting our imperfections and practicing self-compassion can be a difficult as well as rewarding process. I have lived and worked in different areas of the country, have come to understand how regional differences affect our outlooks and appreciate the contrasts. I have relished the opportunity to assist clients as they carry the burdens of life. It would be my privilege to hear your story.

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